Jack LaLanne, our one real hope for someday seeing a negative point celebrity, has died of pneumonia. A fitness guru for over 125 years, LaLanne preached a lifestyle of relaxation, proper diet, and towing boats with your teeth while shackled. Why, you may ask? Because when Little Jackie was a wee lad, he set fire to his parents' house. He also attacked his brother with an axe, screaming at the top of his lungs. The cause? Evidently refined sugar and bleached flour. From the age of 14 on, he eliminated everything from his diet but fruits, vegetables, and lean protein. That means for 82 years, that crazy sumbitch didn't eat a single cookie or brownie... no grilled cheese, no chili. Now yes, he made it to 96 years old, but I mean, come on. I'll take 80 years and beer, and call myself the winner. Jack LeLanne, dead at 96, but his soul is somewhere selling juicers to angels... or devils, depending on your take. Read more HERE.
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